Several months ago, I came across the name Dr. Gary Chapman, while reading another book. The book that the particular author was referring to was The 5 love languages. A friend of mine who got married 2.5 years ago, mentioned that this was gifted to her by another friend and that she enjoyed what he had to share. I asked her to give me examples of a love language, and she mentioned gifts. Immediately I was thinking, “gold digging?”
In 2013 I decided I did not care of this love language guru who encouraged gold digging. Fast forward two years later, nearing my fifth year of marriage and I realized, “Wow. I am near a milestone anniversary and I don’t know what the heck I’m doing, but I really want my marriage to last and be true to my vows. How do I do that?”
“So we meet again Dr. Chapman?” Yes, we met and he showed me the five love languages. And after learning how to keep my husband’s love tank full and learning how to ask my husband to keep my love tank full (without actually saying, honey fill my love tank please), I decided Dr. Chapman had more to teach me. He makes reference to another book of his, “Anger-Taming a Powerful Emotion.” And despite my internal resistance to pick up a book about anger management because I didn’t believe I had an anger problem, I downloaded it on my kindle and decided to take it a chapter at a time, once a week, if I can fight the urge to binge read.
Initially I was annoyed. I couldn’t believe what he was suggesting. His biblical references drove me nuts. Then I thought,”May be, just may be I’m annoyed because he is right.” So I read the first three chapters again, with an OPEN MIND. This is when the expression “mind blown” slaps you in the face.
After 30 years of life, almost 31, I realized I had an anger problem. No, not the one where everyone says she is such a angry person or the one where your employer has a come to Jesus meeting with you because everyone at work doesn’t want to be around you and the ultimatum is you attend anger management or you’re fired. None of that. I’m actually a very happy-go-lucky, find the silver lining in everything sort of person.
What Dr. Chapman introduces is that perhaps your anger problem isn’t from you, it’s from the model you watched on coping with anger and you are just repeating that behavior or being controlling to avoid having that behavior, which results in being hurtful and then angry because you didn’t mean to be hurtful. I know, so confusing. But I highly recommend you take a peek at this part.
Here is my point, finally. In this same book he talks about positive confrontation. This is the the chain link that connects everything together that I have just mentioned. He flat out says, if there is no positive resolution, you should not confront that person. Basically if you can’t see a solution, be like Elsa in Frozen and let it go. I know, easier said than done, but you have to give the method a try. If you execute it in mild stressful situations then when you are caught up in a heated moment, it really helps maintain the peace. So cliche, but true. For example: You hurt someone’s feelings. That person gets angry with you. You get angry with that person because you didn’t mean to be hurtful. But then rather than having diarrhea of the mouth, you apologize for causing the hurtful feelings and admit that you had no malicious intent. The person who was hurt then gets a chance to think about your apology and reflect. There’s a good chance the person will be ready to move on and if not, Dr. Chapman recommends a couple of more tries before YOU let it go.
Same with marriage. Some times we drive each other nuts for the silliest things and we don’t realize we are being hurtful to our spouses. I have learned that it is easier to admit that when you’re wrong, you’re wrong, apologize and avoid an anger fest. Your spouse will forgive you. It’s kind of crazy how some times we are more forgiving to strangers and co-workers than our spouses. May be that’s why people check out so quickly from their marriages.
I’m not a marriage counselor. Pshhhh I’m a political scientist. What do I know? But what I have learned is to let go of the petty things, confront only if there is a good resolution and admit that you’re wrong. You’ll realize that you quickly start filling your significant other’s love tank.
Finally, if you really want to learn about the gold-digging love language, which really isn’t, check out the 5 love languages. I will leave that one a mystery.
GameOfGiveAndTake 